Heavy in Your Arms Chapter 20: June second
by laurah1236
Summary: Alessandra reflects on the day Michael died.


_"Alessandra wake up, wake up" I could hear Michael's distant voice say but my mind couldn't get out of It's state of confusion. It was June second, a beautiful day. Maybe too beautiful. And I may not be into religion, but I do believe in the saying "God giveth, God taketh away." I learned that the hard way. _

_It was right before sunrise and I remember feeling all the different thoughts that ran through my head. The thoughts started simple, they went from "Where am I?" , "Why am I here?" "What happened last night" and quickly transformed into, "Michael's really close to my face" , "Why am I holding my breath?" , "I wonder what his lips taste like." _

_"Aless, we totally fell asleep, we need to get you home before your parents ground you for the rest of your life and your Dad kills me" Said Michael looking down at me as I lay by the big tree we used to lye by right next to the huge lake where we would spend most of our summers at. We were fifteen and had no everlasting care in the world. And I recall each intake in breath as easily breathed as my last. There were only simple worries like having a big school assignment due, having tons of homework, and finding time to hang out with all of my friends, and go to every social gathering because that was the type of person I was._

_And I have learned that reflecting on my past is worthless, but it all seems like a fuzzy dream now, something intangiable, something that will never be within reach- happiness. But to tell myself to look forward is even harder, so I compromise on taking it day by day. To tell myself this mantra that I'm okay untill I actually believe it. Untill one day it's true._

_"Okay, okay, just give me a moment, I'm half asleep" I replied back to him, complaining as always. Thats when I saw him walk up to the water, and with the rising sun all I could see was his perfect sihlouette, and all the thoughts in my mind I wished I could deny from myself. They were all how I imagined my life if it were to be perfect. And in every distinct part of that perfection Michael was there right by me. But with a different purpose, one that involved alot more love than friendship love, and I knew I could never ask that of him. But right in that moment something in my mind decided that my heart was tired of waiting for him to make decisions on how happy my life would turn out. Right in that moment I thought I could make him mine._

_I even remember the sound of the soft grass underneath me as I walked towards him and his moving shadows. It was an out of body moment. As I could picture my flushed face and how the pounding of my heart against my chest must have felt, I wonder if it was possible that Michael heard it._

_"Ready Aless?" He asked me, his eyes following mine as I looked straight ahead at a small cloud that was isolated from all the others. I don't know why I remember such pointless things, probably because that was one of the few last moments when I could still hear Michael's laughter. And see that broken smile he made when he was trying to be mad at me but couldn't. When everything about him was fresh in my mind, his voice, his humor, his ability to see life a certain shade of auburn even if life was a shade of grey, he made it brighter._

_But now when I think of that isolated cloud all I can seem to think is of a reflection of myself. _

_"Do you see that cloud right there?" I asked Michael. He looked right at me before replying, "yes, what about it?" He replies. "I was that cloud before I met you" I say looking right at him. And as silly as it may seem, that was me admitting to him in my own mind how much I need him. "You know sometimes I think about us, who would we be in the future" He replies, and having no idea where he was going with it I stayed silent. " You're my best friend and sometimes I think... of what would happen...if..., what if things changed?" And then rain began to pour as if on cue, on cue to try and ruin my life- or at least that moment that in my mind defined my life. Michael quickly looked up at the sky and then down again in thought, as if he should finish what he was saying, and I knew very well in my mind what he was going to say. I just guess he didn't find it worth finishing. But it's not like I haven't endured worse. _

_We quickly gathered whatever we had packed when we came down here late last night in an attempt to clear my head from the fight I had had with my parents the day before. And Michael, as always, was up for anything I threw at him, even if it ment major trouble if we got caught. Then we put everything in his truck and headed home. He had bearly just gotten his permit but drived pretty well, illegally that is. But if anything his parents should blame themselves for buying a 15 year old a car._

_Once we were on the way home, all was at peace, singing with the radio but still having the pathetic feeling of that conversation never finishing, of being so close, but never close enough._

_And in a moment everything changed._

_In a moment I seemed to lose everything._

_This life never gave me a chance to say good-bye._

_Because in a second everything went black._

I look up at my reflection from my bathroom mirror, to feel another round of self hate run its course when my phone lights up.

**One new voicemail:**

**Blake-**

"Hey Alessandra I know this is like my fifth call, I miss you. I was wondering whether you want to come to dinner with me and my parents. It dosen't have to be a big deal, promise. Well call me back, please, I'm seriously getting worried, Or I could just come over? Please, please talk to me."

And as I look up to see my empty reflection again I text Blake and tell him I'll go to the dinner, because I know enough of self pity to know it won't help me at all.

And as much as I hate to admit it, it's okay to need help, or so I've heard.

"It's okay to need help" I said again, looking down reading the note Blake had passed to me in class saying the same exact words.


End file.
